While I try to be real in this space, there is something about me that you may not know because I don’t talk about it much: I feel like a fish out of water when navigating emotional situations.
As a woman, I have always felt out of place in the world because I am not naturally compassionate or nurturing like women are generally expected to be. I want to hide in my closet when my kids get emotional because I feel entirely inadequate and don’t know what to do or say to make them feel better. My mind instinctively looks past empathy and goes into strategy mode when a problem arises, which is not usually helpful when emotions run high.
I desperately wish it were easier for me to process and express my feelings. I want to be a mom who knows how to soothe her children’s heartaches and a wife who excels at showing love in the way her husband feels it best. But all of those things remain a constant struggle for me.
My brain is hardwired to process things logically, not emotionally. I came to this world pre-programmed to be dependable, follow the rules, act responsibly, work hard, create order out of chaos, and manage situations and people in a direct and straightforward way. I have learned through years of difficult experience to be aware of and sensitive to people’s feelings, but it does not come naturally. I still have miles to go in that arena.
Yet, I have spent the past three years writing a blog that is almost entirely rooted in emotion. Hours of introspection each day have become my norm as I work to sort through my feelings and use them to write encouraging words that I am not likely to express verbally. Even my husband will occasionally say, “I had no idea you felt that way,” after reading one of my posts.
Many times, I don’t even realize that I feel a certain way until I sit down to write, at which point the emotional floodgates open. I have always been better at communicating feelings through writing which is, perhaps, the main reason I chose an emotional focus for this space three years ago.
In many ways, my blogging journey has been good for me. It has forced me to remain in touch with a part of myself that may have otherwise stayed hidden. The feelings that I share here are deep and authentic; I assure you, and I share them willingly.
However, because I don’t naturally operate best in the realm of emotion, constantly doing so drains my energy in a huge way. I am certain that is why I often struggle to keep pushing forward with this blog. Every few months, I come to a point where it feels like I have nothing left to give because I am just. So. Tired. That emotional exhaustion inevitably encourages me to walk away from this writing endeavor in favor of something that plays more to my natural strengths – something that involves less introspection and more concrete action. (Creating a food blog sounds pretty good…)
That, my friends, is where I am right now.
The past six months have been some of the most emotionally taxing of my life as I have tried to mentally prepare to send my first child off into the world. It will all come to a head in three short weeks when he leaves, and I am already emotionally spent. I do not have a single ounce of mental bandwidth to devote to this blog.
This summer is my summer of yes, so I am saying yes to a blogging break for an unspecified amount of time. I am saying yes to an honest evaluation of where I am heading with this online space and yes to any course corrections I feel will bring more balance and energy into my life. I am saying yes to embracing and utilizing my strengths, even if they are not the ones I would have chosen had I been given a chance. I am saying yes to living as a more authentic version of myself, even if that takes me on an entirely different path than I am now traveling.
I don’t know when I will be back here to write. I may pop in every now and again when I have something to say, or I may be entirely missing in action for a time. It all depends on a million factors that I have yet to process fully.
Before I go, I want to take a minute to tell you thank you for following me. For believing in me. For caring about what I have to say. You mean more to me than you know.
See you in a little while.